Sometimes the boys are particularly challenging and there are many times when, after interacting with them, I start to question myself and to feel like an inadequate mom. I know I’m not the only one out there, so here are a few tips for recapturing some equanimity:

Have a sense of self-worth that’s independent of  your identity as a mother - I think this is the most important tip of all, because the more your sense of self-worth is dependent on your sense of accomplishment as a mother, the harder you will take it when things aren’t going well with your child. That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself and on your child. So have something else in your life that makes you feel good about yourself, whether it’s a career, volunteering, or something else.

Do something you enjoy and that you’re good at – I’m thinking of things like cooking, gardening, exercise, scrapbooking, etc. Like the first tip, this one restores your sense of well-being without requiring anything from your child. It will also help give you some distance from the problem event.

Think about your child’s positive traits – Once you have some distance, it’s easier to remind yourself about all the things you love about your child, which makes it easier to forgive their transgressions and to think objectively about how to proceed.

Talk to someone you trust for another perspective – Your partner, a good friend, your child’s teacher, or even your child’s pediatrician can provide some much-needed reassurance, a more objective perspective, and maybe suggest some new tactics to try with your child.

Think long term – Remember that this too shall pass. In 10 to 15 years, your child will be an adult – hopefully one who is happy, able to take care of him or herself, and makes good decisions. And all of the angst you feel now will be but a distant memory.

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“You get confidence from overcoming adversity, not from being told how great you are all the time.” – Dan Kindlon, Ph.D., author of Tough Times, Strong Children, as quoted in the November 2010 Parents Magazine

I read the above quote and I wanted to jump up and shout Yes!, because it’s so true. We have always worked hard to emphasize to both our boys that the result is not as important as the effort they put forth.

I know parents who tell their children that they are the most or the best (fill in the blank), and heap praise and superlatives on them that simply aren’t warranted. I know they trying to give their children “positive feedback,” which is what society tells us to do. But there’s going to come a day when those children realize that their parents are just giving them empty words, and if that’s all they’ve gotten over the years, then they’ll lack the self-confidence, or what self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden calls self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is one of the two components of healthy self-esteem, and means “confidence in the ability to cope with life’s challenges,” which “leads to a sense of control over one’s life.” (The other component is self-respect.)

It’s not always easy to watch your children struggle – in fact, it’s pretty darn hard to do. And it’s usually easier to just do things for them. But work with your children to overcome the obstacles they encounter, and they’ll thank you for it later on.

I mentioned yesterday that we had an important medical appointment, but what I didn’t mention is that the evening prior, we got a call from the nurse, essentially saying (reading between the lines) that the specialist didn’t think he needed to be involved and our regular pediatrician ought to be able to handle the follow up. It was certainly surprising and frustrating, although after the initial shock and irritation, I realized that what really mattered yesterday were the actual test results and not the specialist’s input – particularly if the results were positive.

But I found myself unwilling – even unable – to let the specialist write us off completely. I asked if we could be rescheduled for next week – in the nicest, most reasonable way I could, because I do strongly believe that being nice will always get you more than being nasty, even when you have a right to be angry. The end result was that we were told we could make an appointment with the nurse practitioner, and maybe the specialist would also see us.

It turns out my instincts were right on. Most of the test results were positive, but there was one negative result that needs to be monitored. By the specialist.

And I realized that, ever since that first night in the ER, when I understood that my job was to be my child’s advocate, that I have had to advocate almost every step of the way. Each time I think my job is pretty much done, something comes up that requires me to take that role again.

What I didn’t realize at first was that being an advocate is exhausting. In retrospect, it should have been obvious. My good friend B. has spent countless hours advocating for her child, who’s been diagnosed as high-functioning autistic. I cheered her on from the sidelines as she cajoled, negotiated, and demanded the plan that was in his best interests, and refused to settle for anything less. And I understood at the time that it was mentally and emotionally exhausting for her to do that.

What I’ve now come to realize is that being an advocate is also a privilege. I love my children so much, and it really is an honor to be able to stand up for them and make sure that they are getting the absolute best care possible. I wouldn’t trade my role for anything!

Again, thank you for all of the kind words and prayers. They’ve really meant a lot.

I don’t know if I’ll ever want to really write about the hospital experience – I don’t think I’ve fully processed it yet, hence I’m still prone to bursting into tears when someone asks about it.

But, there are a few tips I do want to share:

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Everyone at the hospital was quite nice. Even the attending physician, who at first came off as rather brusque, turned out to be forthcoming and answered every single one of my questions with relative patience. The doctors in general were sometimes hard to track down, even for the nurses, but I never felt that they were negligent in their care.

Distraction is the name of the game. The hospital had a DVD player and TV for each patient, so that helped to provide constant distraction. Ditto for lots of small toys (new ones, especially) and books.

Sleep when your child sleeps. You won’t sleep well, but a little sleep is better than none. And you’ll need your rest, because the whole hospitalization thing is rather exhausting in and of itself.

Maintain perspective. Even in my darkest moments, I knew we were the lucky ones. My child’s life was never in danger, while we saw other children who had chronic and/or life-threatening ailments. Some were clearly regular guests at the hospital, and arrived with their own blankets and pillows.

The nurses are your best friends. We were blessed with awesome nurses who were caring, attentive and competent, all at the same time. They tended to me, too, making sure that I was getting all of the information that I wanted as quickly as possible.

Be prepared for things to be hard when you get home. I was so focused on getting out of the hospital that I didn’t stop to think that things would still be rough when we got home. But with medicine needing to be given every four hours, and my own emotions still all over the place, the first few days home were really tough. (Not to worry, things are definitely better now.)

**Update**
I forgot to include this last tip:

Check on the availability of any prescriptions you receive upon discharge before leaving. We left with a prescription for a medication that needed to be given every four hours, but it turned out the medication isn’t generally stocked because it’s not prescribed very often. Every pharmacy near our house could get it the next day, but that wasn’t going to help me administer the medication that night. The only place I could get the medication was at the pharmacy back at the hospital (a 45 minute drive each way in rush hour traffic), and that pharmacy turned out not to be contracted with our insurance company so I had to pay a pretty hefty amount out of pocket. If only I’d known that I wouldn’t be able to get the prescription filled near home, I could have saved myself an extra hour and a half in the car. At least the pharmacist was thoughtful enough to recommend only getting a partial fill, and I was able to get the rest of the prescription at a local pharmacy that was covered by our insurance the next day.